1 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:03,000 Downloaded From www.AllSubs.org 2 00:00:20,360 --> 00:00:21,477 'This is the story 3 00:00:21,597 --> 00:00:24,102 'of the Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy... 4 00:00:25,499 --> 00:00:27,363 'perhaps the most remarkable, 5 00:00:27,483 --> 00:00:29,594 'certainly the most successful book 6 00:00:29,714 --> 00:00:33,941 'ever to come out of the great publishers of Ursa Minor. 7 00:00:34,517 --> 00:00:38,051 'More popular than The Celestial Home Care Omnibus, 8 00:00:38,415 --> 00:00:42,748 'better selling than Fifty-three More Things To Do In Zero Gravity, 9 00:00:42,971 --> 00:00:46,737 'and more controversial than Oolon Colluphid's trilogy 10 00:00:46,857 --> 00:00:51,048 'of philosophical blockbusters, Where God Went Wrong, 11 00:00:51,752 --> 00:00:54,159 'Some More Of God's Greatest Mistakes 12 00:00:54,908 --> 00:00:58,040 'and Who Is This God Person Anyway? 13 00:00:58,280 --> 00:01:01,287 'And in many of the more relaxed civilisations 14 00:01:01,407 --> 00:01:03,848 'on the Outer Eastern Rim of the Galaxy, 15 00:01:03,968 --> 00:01:06,526 'the Hitchhiker's Guide has already supplanted 16 00:01:06,646 --> 00:01:09,182 'the great Encyclopaedia Galactica 17 00:01:09,302 --> 00:01:12,804 'as the standard repository of all knowledge and wisdom, 18 00:01:13,439 --> 00:01:19,187 'for though it has many omissions and contains much that is apocryphal, 19 00:01:19,307 --> 00:01:22,179 'it scores over the older, more pedestrian work 20 00:01:22,299 --> 00:01:24,398 'in two important respects. 21 00:01:24,856 --> 00:01:31,080 'First, it is slightly cheaper and, secondly, it has the words: 22 00:01:31,200 --> 00:01:34,524 'inscribed in large, friendly letters on the cover. 23 00:01:36,591 --> 00:01:38,166 'To tell the story of the book, 24 00:01:38,286 --> 00:01:41,806 'it is best to tell the story of some of those whose lives it affected. 25 00:01:42,241 --> 00:01:44,636 'A human from the planet Earth was one of them, 26 00:01:45,329 --> 00:01:46,937 'though, as our story opens, 27 00:01:47,057 --> 00:01:48,910 'he no more knows his destiny 28 00:01:49,030 --> 00:01:52,431 'than a tea leaf knows the history of the East India Company. 29 00:01:53,276 --> 00:01:57,691 'His name is Arthur Dent, he is a six-foot-tall ape descendant, 30 00:01:57,811 --> 00:02:02,030 'and someone is trying to drive a bypass through his home.' 31 00:02:54,706 --> 00:02:57,840 Come off it, Mr Dent - you can't win, you know. 32 00:02:58,080 --> 00:03:00,562 You can't lie in front of the bulldozers indefinitely. 33 00:03:00,682 --> 00:03:03,016 I'm game. We'll see who rusts first! 34 00:03:03,345 --> 00:03:08,520 You're going to have to accept it. This bypass has got to be built. 35 00:03:08,760 --> 00:03:10,440 Why's it got to be built? 36 00:03:11,390 --> 00:03:13,022 What do you mean - why's it got to be built? 37 00:03:13,142 --> 00:03:16,560 It's a bypass! You've got to build bypasses. 38 00:03:16,800 --> 00:03:20,156 You were entitled to make suggestions or protests at the appropriate time. 39 00:03:20,276 --> 00:03:22,000 Appropriate time?! 40 00:03:22,920 --> 00:03:26,160 The first I heard about it was when a workman arrived yesterday. 41 00:03:26,752 --> 00:03:28,560 I thought he'd come to clean the windows. 42 00:03:28,680 --> 00:03:30,622 He said he'd come to demolish the house! 43 00:03:30,857 --> 00:03:33,400 He didn't tell me straightaway, of course. 44 00:03:33,640 --> 00:03:36,950 He wiped a couple of windows and charged me �5! Then he told me! 45 00:03:37,983 --> 00:03:40,907 But, Mr Dent, the plans have been available 46 00:03:41,027 --> 00:03:43,426 in the planning office for the last nine months! 47 00:03:43,546 --> 00:03:47,680 Yes, of course. As soon as I heard, I went straight round to see them. 48 00:03:47,920 --> 00:03:52,760 You hadn't exactly gone out of your way to draw attention to them! 49 00:03:53,000 --> 00:03:55,240 But the plans were on display! 50 00:03:55,480 --> 00:03:58,993 On display? I eventually had to go down to the cellar! 51 00:03:59,113 --> 00:04:01,213 - That's the display department! - With a torch! 52 00:04:01,333 --> 00:04:03,640 - No lights. - No stairs! 53 00:04:03,760 --> 00:04:06,128 - But you did see the notice? - Oh, yes. 54 00:04:06,248 --> 00:04:08,960 It was on display in the bottom of a locked filing cabinet, 55 00:04:09,080 --> 00:04:14,160 in a disused lavatory with a sign on the door, "Beware of the leopard!" 56 00:04:15,015 --> 00:04:16,953 Ever thought of going into advertising? 57 00:04:22,972 --> 00:04:25,274 And you don't get me like that either! 58 00:04:28,029 --> 00:04:29,960 Mr Dent... 59 00:04:30,181 --> 00:04:33,920 have you any idea how much damage this bulldozer would suffer 60 00:04:34,040 --> 00:04:36,160 if I were to let it run over you? 61 00:04:37,383 --> 00:04:38,320 How much? 62 00:04:39,445 --> 00:04:40,302 None at all! 63 00:04:40,789 --> 00:04:43,960 'By a strange coincidence, "None at all" 64 00:04:44,312 --> 00:04:48,296 'is exactly how much suspicion the ape descendant Arthur Dent had 65 00:04:48,416 --> 00:04:51,980 'that one of his closest friends was not descended from an ape, 66 00:04:52,100 --> 00:04:54,399 'but was in fact from a small planet 67 00:04:54,519 --> 00:04:57,165 'somewhere in the vicinity of Betelgeuse. 68 00:05:00,086 --> 00:05:02,280 'Arthur Dent's failure to suspect this 69 00:05:02,520 --> 00:05:06,800 'reflects the care with which his friend blended into human society, 70 00:05:06,920 --> 00:05:11,581 'after a fairly shaky start, when he first arrived 15 years ago. 71 00:05:11,701 --> 00:05:14,556 'The minimal research he had done suggested to him 72 00:05:14,676 --> 00:05:18,794 'that the name Ford Prefect would be nicely inconspicuous. 73 00:05:21,612 --> 00:05:25,457 'He will enter our story in 30 seconds and say, 74 00:05:25,577 --> 00:05:27,005 "'Hello, Arthur." 75 00:05:28,578 --> 00:05:31,253 'The ape descendant will greet him in return 76 00:05:31,373 --> 00:05:34,391 'but, in deference to a million years of human evolution, 77 00:05:34,511 --> 00:05:36,728 'won't attempt to pick fleas off him. 78 00:05:38,457 --> 00:05:40,991 'Earthmen are not proud of their ancestors 79 00:05:41,111 --> 00:05:43,572 'and never invite them to dinner.' 80 00:05:54,602 --> 00:05:55,413 Hello, Arthur. 81 00:05:56,367 --> 00:05:58,360 Ford, hi. How are you? 82 00:05:58,600 --> 00:05:59,425 Fine. 83 00:06:01,768 --> 00:06:05,080 Look, are you busy? 84 00:06:05,809 --> 00:06:09,531 Busy?! Well, I've just got this bulldozer to lie in front of, 85 00:06:09,651 --> 00:06:13,132 or it'll knock my house down, but otherwise... no, not especially. Why? 86 00:06:14,133 --> 00:06:18,480 - Good. Anywhere we can talk? - What? 87 00:06:18,600 --> 00:06:20,744 - We've got to talk. - Fine! Talk. 88 00:06:20,864 --> 00:06:24,360 And drink. It's vitally important that we talk and drink. Now! 89 00:06:24,480 --> 00:06:27,345 - We'll go to the pub. - You don't understand. 90 00:06:27,465 --> 00:06:29,363 He wants to knock my house down. 91 00:06:29,483 --> 00:06:32,415 - He can do it whilst you're away. - I don't want him to! 92 00:06:35,359 --> 00:06:36,280 Ford? What's the matter? 93 00:06:36,400 --> 00:06:39,569 Nothing... nothing's the matter. 94 00:06:39,874 --> 00:06:42,120 I've got to tell you the most important thing you've ever heard. 95 00:06:42,360 --> 00:06:45,880 - I've got to tell you NOW in the pub. - Why? 96 00:06:46,000 --> 00:06:49,688 - Because you'll need a stiff drink! - No! No! What about my house? 97 00:06:52,702 --> 00:06:54,720 - He wants to knock your house down? - Yes. 98 00:06:54,840 --> 00:06:57,349 - But you're lying in the way? - Exactly! 99 00:06:59,091 --> 00:07:00,676 I think we can come to some arrangement. 100 00:07:04,097 --> 00:07:07,161 - Excuse me! - Hello? Yes? 101 00:07:07,466 --> 00:07:09,169 Has Mr Dent come to his senses yet? 102 00:07:09,289 --> 00:07:12,344 Can we, for the moment, assume he hasn't? 103 00:07:13,565 --> 00:07:14,800 Well? 104 00:07:15,726 --> 00:07:18,320 Can we also assume that he's going to be staying there all day? 105 00:07:19,401 --> 00:07:20,120 So? 106 00:07:20,240 --> 00:07:25,013 So all your men are going to be standing around, doing nothing. 107 00:07:27,513 --> 00:07:28,972 Could be, could be... 108 00:07:29,092 --> 00:07:32,812 If you're resigned to that, you don't actually need him to lie there? 109 00:07:34,491 --> 00:07:37,289 Not as such. Not exactly "need"... 110 00:07:37,409 --> 00:07:42,440 So pretend he's there. Then we could go to the pub. How does that sound? 111 00:07:43,443 --> 00:07:46,320 Er... that sounds perfectly reasonable... I suppose. 112 00:07:46,440 --> 00:07:49,371 And if you want to pop off for a quick one yourself later on, 113 00:07:49,891 --> 00:07:51,970 we'll always cover for you in return. 114 00:07:53,929 --> 00:07:56,818 Yes, thank you very much. That's very kind. 115 00:07:58,203 --> 00:08:00,720 So if you'd just like to lie down... 116 00:08:02,042 --> 00:08:02,560 What? 117 00:08:02,680 --> 00:08:03,528 It's very simple. 118 00:08:03,648 --> 00:08:05,815 Mr Dent will stop lying in the mud 119 00:08:05,935 --> 00:08:09,560 - On condition that you take over. - What? 120 00:08:09,977 --> 00:08:10,576 Sorry? 121 00:08:11,654 --> 00:08:15,920 You want me... to come and lie down there? 122 00:08:16,160 --> 00:08:19,602 - Yes. - In front of the bulldozer? 123 00:08:19,861 --> 00:08:22,820 - Yes. - Instead of Mr Dent? 124 00:08:24,931 --> 00:08:27,373 - Yes. - In the mud? 125 00:08:28,014 --> 00:08:31,196 In, as you say, the mud. 126 00:08:32,445 --> 00:08:37,328 In return for which, you will take Mr Dent down to the pub? 127 00:08:37,704 --> 00:08:38,502 Yes. 128 00:08:39,822 --> 00:08:40,621 Promise? 129 00:08:41,572 --> 00:08:42,382 Promise. 130 00:08:44,439 --> 00:08:49,335 - Get up and let the man lie down. - Thank you. 131 00:08:57,342 --> 00:09:01,295 And no sneaky knocking Mr Dent's house down while he's away. 132 00:09:01,863 --> 00:09:04,579 The slightest thought hadn't even begun to speculate 133 00:09:04,699 --> 00:09:07,127 about the merest possibility of crossing my mind. 134 00:09:10,166 --> 00:09:12,808 - But can we trust him? - To the end of the Earth. 135 00:09:12,928 --> 00:09:14,736 - Yes, but how far's that? - About 12 minutes away. 136 00:09:14,856 --> 00:09:16,121 Come on. We've got to get some alcohol. 137 00:09:18,699 --> 00:09:22,926 'Here's what the Encyclopaedia Galactica has to say about alcohol. 138 00:09:23,567 --> 00:09:27,099 'It says that alcohol is a colourless volatile liquid 139 00:09:27,219 --> 00:09:29,600 'formed by the fermentation of sugars, 140 00:09:29,720 --> 00:09:32,101 'and also notes its intoxicating effect 141 00:09:32,221 --> 00:09:34,679 'on certain carbon-based lifeforms. 142 00:09:36,059 --> 00:09:39,887 'The Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy also mentions alcohol. 143 00:09:40,580 --> 00:09:42,960 'It says the: 144 00:09:55,984 --> 00:09:56,970 '... the effect of which 145 00:09:57,090 --> 00:10:00,340 'is like having your brain smashed out with a slice of lemon... 146 00:10:01,115 --> 00:10:03,604 'wrapped round a large gold brick. 147 00:10:07,234 --> 00:10:08,607 'The Guide also tells you 148 00:10:08,727 --> 00:10:12,800 'on which planets the best Pan Galactic Gargle Blasters are mixed, 149 00:10:13,040 --> 00:10:15,242 'how much you can expect to pay for one 150 00:10:15,362 --> 00:10:19,168 'and what voluntary organisations exist to help you rehabilitate. 151 00:10:20,122 --> 00:10:23,093 'The man who invented this mind-pummelling drink 152 00:10:23,213 --> 00:10:27,349 'also invented the wisest remark ever made, which was this: 153 00:10:37,010 --> 00:10:39,640 'His name is: 154 00:10:39,936 --> 00:10:42,578 'and we shall learn more of his wisdom later.' 155 00:10:55,092 --> 00:10:58,280 Six pints of bitter. And quickly, please. The world's about to end. 156 00:10:58,806 --> 00:11:00,760 Oh, yes, sir? Nice weather for it. 157 00:11:01,309 --> 00:11:04,291 - Going to the match today, sir? - No. No point. 158 00:11:04,411 --> 00:11:06,280 Foregone conclusion, then? 159 00:11:06,520 --> 00:11:09,000 - Arsenal no chance? - No, the world's about to end. 160 00:11:09,120 --> 00:11:13,712 Oh, yes, sir. So you said. Lucky escape for Arsenal if it did. 161 00:11:14,080 --> 00:11:17,841 - No, not really. - There you are, sir. Six pints. 162 00:11:21,319 --> 00:11:22,040 Keep the change. 163 00:11:22,280 --> 00:11:24,715 What? From a fiver? Thank you, sir! 164 00:11:24,835 --> 00:11:26,323 You've got ten minutes to spend it! 165 00:11:31,139 --> 00:11:34,910 What the hell's going on? I'm losing my grip on the day. 166 00:11:35,030 --> 00:11:38,514 - Drink up. Three pints to go! - Three pints? At lunchtime? 167 00:11:38,880 --> 00:11:41,480 Time is an illusion, lunchtime doubly so. 168 00:11:42,083 --> 00:11:46,239 Send that in to the Reader's Digest. There's a page for people like you! 169 00:11:46,787 --> 00:11:49,200 - Drink up. - Why three pints? 170 00:11:49,875 --> 00:11:51,800 Muscle relaxant. You're going to need it. 171 00:11:52,825 --> 00:11:54,363 Did I do something wrong this morning 172 00:11:54,483 --> 00:11:55,948 or has the world always been like this, 173 00:11:56,068 --> 00:11:58,063 and I was too wrapped up in myself to notice? 174 00:12:01,725 --> 00:12:02,970 I'll try to explain. 175 00:12:07,693 --> 00:12:09,477 - How long have we known each other? - Er, five years, maybe six. 176 00:12:10,194 --> 00:12:13,385 Most of it made some kind of sense at the time. 177 00:12:13,505 --> 00:12:18,594 How would you react if I told you I'm not from Guildford after all, 178 00:12:18,714 --> 00:12:21,989 but from a small planet somewhere in the vicinity of Betelgeuse? 179 00:12:22,297 --> 00:12:25,640 Why-do you think it's the sort of thing you're likely to say? 180 00:12:25,880 --> 00:12:29,026 Drink up. The world is about to end. 181 00:12:29,814 --> 00:12:33,043 This must be Thursday. I never could get the hang of Thursdays. 182 00:12:36,942 --> 00:12:38,973 'On this particular Thursday, 183 00:12:39,595 --> 00:12:41,960 'things were moving through the ionosphere. 184 00:12:42,200 --> 00:12:44,362 'Many miles above the surface of the planet, 185 00:12:45,208 --> 00:12:48,600 'several huge yellow slab-like somethings... 186 00:12:49,008 --> 00:12:51,802 'huge as office blocks, silent as birds, 187 00:12:52,084 --> 00:12:55,646 'they hung in the air exactly the same way that bricks don't. 188 00:12:59,726 --> 00:13:02,626 'The planet was almost totally oblivious of their presence. 189 00:13:02,861 --> 00:13:05,018 'They went unnoticed at Goonhilly, 190 00:13:05,138 --> 00:13:07,720 'they passed over Cape Canaveral without a blip, 191 00:13:07,960 --> 00:13:11,360 'and Woomera and Jodrell Bank looked straight through them; 192 00:13:11,600 --> 00:13:16,142 'a pity, because it was the sort of thing they'd looked for for ages. 193 00:13:17,762 --> 00:13:20,833 'Arthur Dent, too, had other things on his mind.' 194 00:13:22,296 --> 00:13:23,141 What's that? 195 00:13:23,600 --> 00:13:25,428 - They haven't started yet. - Good. 196 00:13:25,548 --> 00:13:28,006 - Probably your house. - What? 197 00:13:28,126 --> 00:13:32,480 - Five minutes to go. - Damn you and your fairy stories! 198 00:13:32,720 --> 00:13:34,654 Stop, you vandals! You home wreckers! 199 00:13:34,774 --> 00:13:38,611 - You half-crazed Visigoths, stop! - Arthur! Stop! It's pointless! 200 00:13:39,953 --> 00:13:42,968 Barman, quickly, can you just give me four packets of peanuts? 201 00:13:43,088 --> 00:13:44,622 I'm just serving this gentleman. 202 00:13:44,742 --> 00:13:47,360 He's going to die shortly! Come on! 203 00:13:47,480 --> 00:13:48,901 Just a minute, sir. 204 00:13:50,990 --> 00:13:52,411 Do you mind, sir? 205 00:13:55,424 --> 00:13:57,232 Pork scratchings... 206 00:13:57,352 --> 00:13:59,416 - Peanuts! How much? - What? 207 00:14:03,080 --> 00:14:04,015 Have it. 208 00:14:05,580 --> 00:14:07,247 Have it. Keep it! 209 00:14:08,840 --> 00:14:12,374 Is the world really going to end this afternoon? 210 00:14:12,494 --> 00:14:15,028 Yes, in just over 3 minutes and 5 seconds. 211 00:14:15,360 --> 00:14:19,000 - But isn't there anything we can do? - No, nothing. 212 00:14:19,437 --> 00:14:23,320 I thought we were meant to lie down or put a paper bag over our head. 213 00:14:23,560 --> 00:14:25,600 Yes, if you like. 214 00:14:25,840 --> 00:14:29,618 - Oh, will that help? - No. Excuse me. I've got to go. 215 00:14:31,793 --> 00:14:32,791 Oh, well, then... 216 00:14:34,963 --> 00:14:36,466 Last orders, please! 217 00:14:39,158 --> 00:14:42,094 You pin-striped barbarians! I'll sue the council for every penny it's got! 218 00:14:46,312 --> 00:14:49,040 I'll have you hung, drawn, quartered, 219 00:14:49,160 --> 00:14:51,960 and whipped and boiled... until... 220 00:14:52,080 --> 00:14:54,440 until you've had enough! 221 00:14:54,560 --> 00:14:58,295 Arthur, don't... There's no point. There's only a minute or so left. 222 00:14:58,415 --> 00:14:59,434 And then I'll do it some more! 223 00:14:59,554 --> 00:15:04,732 I'll take all the little bits and jump on them till I get blisters, 224 00:15:04,852 --> 00:15:10,090 or I think of something worse... What the hell's that? 225 00:15:17,431 --> 00:15:19,545 Arthur, quick! Over here! 226 00:15:21,367 --> 00:15:22,680 What the hell is it? 227 00:15:22,800 --> 00:15:25,680 It's a fleet of flying saucers - what do you think it is? 228 00:15:25,800 --> 00:15:26,845 Hold this. 229 00:15:26,965 --> 00:15:30,600 - What do you mean, flying saucers? - A Vogon constructor fleet. 230 00:15:30,840 --> 00:15:33,062 - What? - A Vogon constructor fleet. 231 00:15:33,182 --> 00:15:36,479 I picked up news of their arrival a few hours ago on my sub-etha radio. 232 00:15:36,599 --> 00:15:41,200 I can't cope with this. I'm going to have to have a lie-down. 233 00:15:41,320 --> 00:15:43,161 No, stay here. Stay calm. 234 00:15:43,281 --> 00:15:45,063 Take hold of this... 235 00:16:31,634 --> 00:16:34,100 People of Earth, attention, please! 236 00:16:39,325 --> 00:16:41,298 People of Earth, attention, please! 237 00:16:41,885 --> 00:16:43,705 This is Prostetnic Vogon Jeltz 238 00:16:43,825 --> 00:16:46,283 of the Galactic Hyperspace Planning Council. 239 00:16:47,163 --> 00:16:48,460 As you are probably aware, 240 00:16:48,580 --> 00:16:53,760 the plans for the outlying regions of the Western Spiral arm of the Galaxy 241 00:16:53,880 --> 00:16:57,600 require a hyperspace express route to be built through your star system, 242 00:16:58,241 --> 00:17:01,440 and, regrettably, your planet is one of those scheduled for demolition. 243 00:17:01,803 --> 00:17:05,120 The process will take slightly less than two of your Earth minutes. 244 00:17:06,457 --> 00:17:07,666 Thank you very much. 245 00:17:12,207 --> 00:17:18,040 - Get out of it! - No! No! No! Go away! 246 00:17:20,484 --> 00:17:22,821 All the planning charts and demolition orders 247 00:17:22,941 --> 00:17:26,830 have been on display in your local planning department in Alpha Centauri 248 00:17:26,950 --> 00:17:28,800 for 50 Earth years, 249 00:17:28,920 --> 00:17:31,803 and so you've had plenty of time to lodge any complaints... 250 00:17:31,923 --> 00:17:34,840 It's far too late to make a fuss now! 251 00:17:38,040 --> 00:17:40,697 What do you mean you've never been to Alpha Centauri? 252 00:17:40,817 --> 00:17:45,040 Oh, for heaven's sake, mankind! It's only four light years away! 253 00:17:45,594 --> 00:17:48,894 Sorry, but if you can't be bothered to take an interest in local affairs, 254 00:17:49,014 --> 00:17:52,909 that's your own lookout! Energise the demolition beam! 255 00:17:53,680 --> 00:17:57,137 God, I don't know! Apathetic bloody planet, I've no sympathy at all! 256 00:18:52,562 --> 00:18:54,560 - I bought some peanuts. - Uh...? 257 00:18:55,058 --> 00:18:57,347 We've just been through a matter-transference beam. 258 00:18:57,467 --> 00:19:00,040 You've lost some salt and protein. 259 00:19:00,280 --> 00:19:02,123 The beer should have helped. 260 00:19:02,986 --> 00:19:05,640 - How do you feel? - Like a military academy. 261 00:19:05,880 --> 00:19:07,571 Bits of me keep passing out! 262 00:19:13,057 --> 00:19:17,671 Ford, if I asked you where the hell we were, would I regret it? 263 00:19:18,845 --> 00:19:19,880 We're safe. 264 00:19:20,000 --> 00:19:21,170 Ah, good. 265 00:19:22,288 --> 00:19:25,470 We're in a cabin of one of the ships of the Vogon constructor fleet. 266 00:19:25,727 --> 00:19:29,038 Ah, this is obviously some strange usage of the word "safe" 267 00:19:29,158 --> 00:19:32,432 I wasn't previously aware of. What are you doing? 268 00:19:32,708 --> 00:19:33,840 Looking for the light. 269 00:19:34,419 --> 00:19:38,280 - How did we get here? - We hitched a lift. 270 00:19:38,744 --> 00:19:42,369 Excuse me! Are you telling me we just stuck our thumbs out 271 00:19:42,489 --> 00:19:45,163 and some green bug-eyed monster said, 272 00:19:45,283 --> 00:19:48,559 "Hop in! I can take you as far as Basingstoke roundabout"? 273 00:19:48,679 --> 00:19:51,120 Well, the thumb's a sub-etha device, 274 00:19:51,360 --> 00:19:53,880 and the roundabout's at Barnard's Star, but that's more or less right. 275 00:19:54,000 --> 00:19:56,920 - And the bug-eyed monster? - Is green! 276 00:19:57,868 --> 00:19:58,702 Fine. 277 00:19:59,646 --> 00:20:03,192 - When can I go home? - You can't. Ah! 278 00:20:06,018 --> 00:20:10,040 Good grief! Is this really the interior of a flying saucer? 279 00:20:10,398 --> 00:20:12,758 Yes. What do you think? 280 00:20:13,041 --> 00:20:15,060 It's a bit squalid, isn't it? 281 00:20:18,265 --> 00:20:23,667 - What the hell is it, Ford? - Come on! Let's get out of here! 282 00:20:23,787 --> 00:20:25,745 It's going to attack us. 283 00:20:25,865 --> 00:20:29,107 No, no, no, it just wants us to turn the lights out. 284 00:20:34,330 --> 00:20:35,352 Come on. 285 00:20:36,902 --> 00:20:40,200 Shh! Sleeping quarters. We woke them up. 286 00:20:42,005 --> 00:20:43,640 Ford, they were... 287 00:20:44,947 --> 00:20:45,920 What? 288 00:20:46,160 --> 00:20:47,394 Aliens? 289 00:20:48,133 --> 00:20:49,120 Dentrassi. 290 00:20:51,159 --> 00:20:52,520 But, Ford... 291 00:20:53,559 --> 00:20:54,640 What's going on? 292 00:20:54,880 --> 00:20:57,677 - Here, have a look at this. - What is it? 293 00:20:57,797 --> 00:21:00,728 The Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy, an electronic book. 294 00:21:00,848 --> 00:21:04,389 - It'll tell you everything. - I like the cover. "Don't panic"! 295 00:21:04,509 --> 00:21:10,054 - First helpful thing anyone's said! - That's why it sells so well. Shh! 296 00:21:10,174 --> 00:21:10,773 What? 297 00:21:17,114 --> 00:21:17,994 "Don't panic"! 298 00:21:18,863 --> 00:21:19,497 Look... 299 00:21:22,967 --> 00:21:24,751 Fast wind index... V. 300 00:21:24,986 --> 00:21:28,055 Vogon Constructor Fleets. Enter that code and see what it says. 301 00:21:28,454 --> 00:21:29,630 I'll keep watch. 302 00:21:34,783 --> 00:21:37,084 Vogon Constructor Fleets: 303 00:22:30,360 --> 00:22:31,972 What an extraordinary book! 304 00:22:32,720 --> 00:22:35,513 - How did we get on board, then? - The Dentrassi let us on board. 305 00:22:35,633 --> 00:22:38,240 - You said Bogons. - Vogons. 306 00:22:38,360 --> 00:22:39,927 - Not Dentrassi? - No. 307 00:22:40,161 --> 00:22:42,142 Dentrassi are the in-flight caterers. 308 00:22:45,916 --> 00:22:50,319 Hey, Hagra biscuit! The greatest! 309 00:22:50,577 --> 00:22:55,728 You'll love these guys! They cook the hoopiest frood food in the West Galaxy! 310 00:22:56,939 --> 00:22:58,840 Here, have a bite. 311 00:22:59,080 --> 00:23:02,981 Go on, try it. Your mouth will love you for the rest of your life. 312 00:23:05,138 --> 00:23:07,428 It's revolting! 313 00:23:07,548 --> 00:23:10,633 Oh, come on! This stuff is the greatest. 314 00:23:12,291 --> 00:23:13,582 Mmm! 315 00:23:20,609 --> 00:23:22,933 I think those guys must really hate the Vogons. 316 00:23:23,944 --> 00:23:27,009 Now, remember this - Dentrassi hate Vogons. 317 00:23:27,232 --> 00:23:30,690 That's why they let us on board. Let's go! 318 00:23:33,574 --> 00:23:37,200 But if they let us on board, why doesn't the Guide mention them? 319 00:23:38,310 --> 00:23:39,440 Oh, it's not very accurate. 320 00:23:39,680 --> 00:23:40,449 Oh? 321 00:23:41,795 --> 00:23:43,310 I'm researching the new edition. 322 00:23:48,844 --> 00:23:51,169 Ah, storeroom. 323 00:23:57,358 --> 00:23:58,638 Where are we going? 324 00:23:58,960 --> 00:24:02,177 Who knows? Off this ship, that's for sure! 325 00:24:02,297 --> 00:24:05,911 We've only just arrived. Shouldn't we say hello and thank you and things? 326 00:24:08,496 --> 00:24:11,640 Listen, this is a Vogon spaceship. 327 00:24:11,946 --> 00:24:14,480 We just pick up what we need and get off it! Right? 328 00:24:15,160 --> 00:24:16,064 Right. 329 00:24:20,238 --> 00:24:22,211 - Stun guns. - Any good? 330 00:24:22,774 --> 00:24:23,373 No. 331 00:24:27,791 --> 00:24:29,024 Ford, who are you? 332 00:24:29,144 --> 00:24:32,464 I told you - I'm a field researcher for the Guide. 333 00:24:33,615 --> 00:24:34,661 Telecom systems. 334 00:24:38,538 --> 00:24:40,441 I got stuck on Earth longer than I meant. 335 00:24:40,561 --> 00:24:42,695 Went for a week, got stuck for 15 years. 336 00:24:46,817 --> 00:24:48,520 Telepsychic helmets. 337 00:24:48,933 --> 00:24:49,614 Huh-huh! 338 00:24:51,618 --> 00:24:53,788 How did you get here in the first place? 339 00:24:53,908 --> 00:24:58,268 Easy. I got a lift with a teaser... Hypno rays? 340 00:24:59,311 --> 00:25:00,744 Teasers? 341 00:25:01,036 --> 00:25:02,950 Rich kids with nothing to do. 342 00:25:03,070 --> 00:25:03,996 They cruise around the Galaxy 343 00:25:04,116 --> 00:25:07,941 Iooking for planets that no one's made contact with yet and buzz them. 344 00:25:08,290 --> 00:25:11,284 - Buzz them? - Yeah. They find some isolated spot, 345 00:25:11,566 --> 00:25:14,608 land right by some unsuspecting soul that no one's ever going to believe, 346 00:25:14,728 --> 00:25:18,095 and strut up and down in front of them, making beep-beep noises. 347 00:25:19,966 --> 00:25:21,222 Rather childish, really. 348 00:25:23,653 --> 00:25:24,628 Ah! 349 00:25:27,240 --> 00:25:29,110 A towel! Keep this. 350 00:25:29,230 --> 00:25:30,942 - Guard it with your life. - Huh? 351 00:25:31,062 --> 00:25:33,521 Listen, it's a tough universe. 352 00:25:33,756 --> 00:25:38,425 All sorts of people trying to kill you, rip you off, everything... 353 00:25:38,759 --> 00:25:40,379 If you're going to survive out there, 354 00:25:42,375 --> 00:25:44,137 you've really got to know where your towel is. 355 00:25:46,680 --> 00:25:48,840 Now, fish. 356 00:25:50,484 --> 00:25:51,858 Huh? 357 00:25:52,809 --> 00:25:55,000 Fish. Over here, I think. 358 00:25:55,662 --> 00:25:56,718 Fish? 359 00:26:05,273 --> 00:26:05,880 Fish. 360 00:26:06,241 --> 00:26:08,637 - Very nice. - Very, very useful. 361 00:26:14,380 --> 00:26:17,200 - What do I do with it? - Stick it in your ear. 362 00:26:17,320 --> 00:26:21,986 It's only little! Listen... 363 00:26:22,106 --> 00:26:23,982 - What? - The Vogon captain. 364 00:26:24,102 --> 00:26:26,631 - But I can't speak Vogon. - Put this in your ear! 365 00:26:27,124 --> 00:26:30,670 ... should have a good time. Message repeat. 366 00:26:31,160 --> 00:26:34,920 This is your captain speaking, so pay attention. 367 00:26:35,806 --> 00:26:37,706 First of all, I see from our instruments 368 00:26:37,826 --> 00:26:42,600 that we have a couple of hitchhiker's on board. Hello, wherever you are! 369 00:26:43,112 --> 00:26:47,040 I just want to make it totally clear that you are not at all welcome. 370 00:26:47,472 --> 00:26:49,526 I worked hard to get where I am today 371 00:26:49,646 --> 00:26:51,922 and I didn't become captain of a Vogon ship 372 00:26:52,042 --> 00:26:56,516 simply to turn it into a taxi service for a lot of degenerate freeloaders. 373 00:26:57,068 --> 00:26:58,653 I have sent out a search party 374 00:26:58,773 --> 00:27:01,127 and, as soon as they find you, I shall turn you off the ship. 375 00:27:01,925 --> 00:27:05,683 If you're very lucky, I might read you some of my poetry first. 376 00:27:06,634 --> 00:27:09,556 Secondly, we are about to jump into hyperspace 377 00:27:09,676 --> 00:27:11,525 for the journey to Barnard's Star. 378 00:27:11,775 --> 00:27:16,720 We will stay in dock for 72 hours and all planet leave is cancelled. 379 00:27:17,285 --> 00:27:18,858 I've just had an unhappy love affair, 380 00:27:18,978 --> 00:27:21,347 so I don't see why anybody else should have a good time. 381 00:27:22,005 --> 00:27:24,482 - Message ends. - Poetry? 382 00:27:25,468 --> 00:27:26,666 What are you doing? 383 00:27:26,786 --> 00:27:31,880 Preparing for hyperspace. It's unpleasantly like being drunk. 384 00:27:32,256 --> 00:27:36,360 - What's so wrong about being drunk? - Ask a glass of water. Lie down. 385 00:27:36,600 --> 00:27:40,739 - Grip the towel between your ankles. - What? 386 00:27:40,859 --> 00:27:41,819 Just do it! 387 00:27:45,140 --> 00:27:45,986 Like this? 388 00:27:46,106 --> 00:27:46,925 Right. 389 00:27:49,598 --> 00:27:51,876 Now wait... 390 00:27:56,178 --> 00:27:59,680 What exactly am I doing with this fish in my ear? 391 00:27:59,800 --> 00:28:03,488 It's translating for you. Look in the book under Babel Fish. 392 00:28:09,202 --> 00:28:10,600 What's happening? 393 00:28:10,840 --> 00:28:14,360 We're going into hyperspace. 394 00:28:14,480 --> 00:28:18,840 I'll never be cruel to a gin and tonic again! 395 00:30:13,924 --> 00:30:16,167 Hey, this towel's moved! 396 00:30:17,179 --> 00:30:22,288 Yes. That's a six-light-year jump. Good. 397 00:30:22,408 --> 00:30:24,427 We must be near Barnard's Star. 398 00:30:24,547 --> 00:30:26,915 - We can jump a ship there. - Can we? 399 00:30:27,326 --> 00:30:31,080 Ford, I hate to ask this, but what am I doing here? 400 00:30:31,200 --> 00:30:33,936 Simple. I rescued you from the Earth. 401 00:30:34,370 --> 00:30:36,550 - What happened to the Earth? - It's been disintegrated. 402 00:30:37,243 --> 00:30:40,872 - Has it? - Yes. Just boiled away into space. 403 00:30:42,426 --> 00:30:45,702 Listen, I'm a bit upset about that... 404 00:30:48,856 --> 00:30:49,783 Oh, well... 405 00:30:50,879 --> 00:30:53,240 All gone? Nothing left? 406 00:30:54,546 --> 00:30:56,880 What about the book? Maybe the book's got something! 407 00:30:59,637 --> 00:31:01,152 It doesn't seem to have an entry. 408 00:31:01,272 --> 00:31:03,794 Yes, it does-at the bottom. 409 00:31:03,914 --> 00:31:07,539 Under Eccentrica Gullumbits, the triple-breasted whore of Eroticon 6. 410 00:31:07,876 --> 00:31:10,271 Oh, yes. What does it say? 411 00:31:10,893 --> 00:31:16,247 - Harmless. One word? Harmless? - Well, it's the old edition. 412 00:31:17,401 --> 00:31:19,960 There are 100 billion stars in the Galaxy. 413 00:31:20,080 --> 00:31:24,970 - No one knew much about Earth then! - I hope you managed to rectify that! 414 00:31:25,090 --> 00:31:31,040 - I sent a new entry to the editor. - What does it say now? 415 00:31:31,469 --> 00:31:33,688 - Mostly harmless. - Mostly harmless? 416 00:31:33,808 --> 00:31:37,371 I think that's pretty good coverage for a disintegrated pile of rubble! 417 00:31:37,491 --> 00:31:39,650 That's meant to make me feel better? 418 00:31:42,161 --> 00:31:44,263 Come on! Let's get to the teleport. 419 00:31:52,375 --> 00:31:53,880 What's the hell's that? 420 00:31:54,120 --> 00:31:57,219 If we're lucky, it's a Vogon come to throw us out into space. 421 00:31:57,339 --> 00:31:58,907 And if we're unlucky? 422 00:31:59,027 --> 00:32:02,593 The Vogon captain might want to read us some of his poetry first. 423 00:32:03,593 --> 00:32:13,593 Downloaded From www.AllSubs.org